Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
