I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
