SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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