Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
