there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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