Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
