tonight lets celebrate not being married
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
