We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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