I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
