thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
