never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
