If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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