an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
