i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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