Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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