i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
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I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
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I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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