how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
