I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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