I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
