He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
