If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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