Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
