he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
