Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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