Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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