I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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