Got a toothbrush?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
