Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
