Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
