he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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