Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
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Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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