Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
