Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
