HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
