So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
