they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
