she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
