Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
