I would go down on you faster than GM stock
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
