So drunk, too bad you don't want this
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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