There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
