you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
