I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
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Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.