I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
