I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
