Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
