Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
