and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
