if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think I am morally bankrupt
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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