you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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