Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
