I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
