you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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