the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
