my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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