I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
