dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
