But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
