How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
