just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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