Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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